Posted by: jevcat | August 5, 2010

Relationship Advice You Will Not See in a Magazine

Being of mature years and sound mind (or sounder, at least than I have been at some points – so don’t start) and for four years now happily re-united with my childhood sweetheart, I offer the following wisdom to those younger, SSWFs of whom I am fond.  These all stem from personal experience (well, a couple are from friends), and I have never seen any of them in a self-help article.

   • Never date a man who lives with his mother (there are a few “compassionate release” exceptions to this, but not as many as some women would like to think).

   • Never accept a blind date with the friend of the boyfriend of the friend of a friend, especially if he doesn’t speak any language you know and/or is looking for a Green Card (these two often go together).

   • If he only gives you a work phone number, there’s another woman in the picture.  Ditto if he suggests you not send notes to his house. 

   • If a man you haven’t dated in a while suddenly re-appears but now only wants to go to places in a borough other than the one in which you both live, there’s another woman in the picture.

   • A corollary of the two above:  He will never leave his wife.

   • If a man has reached the age of 40 or older without marrying, there’s a reason and you don’t want to know it (trust me on this one).

   • If a man can fill you in on the plots of all your favorite soap operas, you don’t want to date him – be friends, but not date.  Besides, he’s probably already got a boyfriend.

   • If a man blushes and looks around furtively to see if anyone has noticed when you laugh out loud in public, you need to re-think the relationship, especially if you have trouble picturing him in the same room with your friends.

   • Any man who didn’t like Disney’s Beauty and the Beast because of the historical anachronisms probably is not a good candidate for a long-term relationship, no matter how nice he is.

   • If he says he’s into games, he’s not talking about Parcheesi.

   • If he says he wants a relationship with “no emotional strings,” he means it; if you say that’s what you want, you don’t (no matter how much you believe it when you say it).

   • A man who talks about his therapist (especially a female therapist) more than any of his friends and/or frequently quotes her will sooner or later make you feel as though you are in a ménage a trios.

   • If he’s lived with another man – the same one – for ten years, you probably don’t want to get involved.

   • A man who has been voted “whitest legs” by a club he belongs to is going to have “issues”.

   • If you answer a personal ad and the guy turns out to know your recent ex quite well, there will be problems, no matter how good he sounds at first.

   • If, on the first date, a man tells you during a meal that it’s good to see a woman really enjoy her food, there will not be a second date.

   • Sometimes the problem with a guy you date on the rebound is really not that he’s not your ex but that he’s himself.

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Responses

  1. These are great, thanks!

    • Alas, they’re all true. I told Roger this evening, if you want to know why I was still single when you found me again, check out my new blog post, LOL.

  2. Good post! Great advice! I agree!

    http://loveyourbody2010.wordpress.com/2010/08/06/claim-your-voice/

  3. This is probably your funniest post yet. You should submit it to women’s magazines and see about getting $$$!

  4. So true, so true.


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